02 - The Hostage Situation

I have, in the past, been a hostage unto myself. Not in the physical and literal sense of the word as some have truly experienced. But my ‘heart’ and ‘will’ held captive by my mind. I haven’t written a ton about my experience with mental torment, but I have experienced it. 

Over the last two years I had months where I agonized over every past mistake and misstep. Everything from what I would do differently as a parent if I could do it all over again, to times where I presented myself poorly, times where I said something dumb or didn’t clarify a thought. I was tormented by why we moved back to my hometown and didn’t settle somewhere else with more opportunity for the kids, a bigger job market, and a community of people we actually felt connected to and commonality with. There’s more, but needless to say, no topic was off the docket. I felt certain that every problem we were facing was a result of my deep flaws and imperfections.

I dissected every action I took and put it under the microscope of intense judgement. And then, as torment does, there was no solution or path forward presented, only regret and rehearsal of every past action I couldn’t change. 

It was as if I was in a locked and padded room in my mind with the enemy on loud speaker 24/7. 

What was so bewildering is that I KNOW how to combat these lies and inaccurate judgements on my character. I have a proverbial toolbelt of personal development tools and biblical truths and insights to address these kinds of mind games the enemy plays.

I utilized my tools at times, but in many other moments I just succumbed to the torment. 

One day just turned into the next.

I remember one particular day it was really bad. I entered my bedroom, put on my husband’s ‘beats’ headphones and blared “Never Give Up” by Sia. I literally held my hands over the headphones pushing them hard into my ears so the sound could be even louder than the maximum sound I already had the volume set to. I didn’t want to think. I wanted to drown out the thoughts in my head with other noise. I danced around my room to the music as you imagine a teenage girl would do when she’s really into a song. I stomped, jumped, thrust my head forward to the beat, swung my arms and body around in rhythm to the music and just lost myself in the lyrics and sound.

I started meeting earlier this year with a woman who has become like a spiritual mom to me. I was able to process some of this out with her and got some good insights into what was behind the torment. I hadn’t expected it, but a spirit of fear was at the root. As the Lord brought revelation, I realized that my torment and over analysing was rooted in fear that everything that ever went wrong for myself or those close to me, or frankly anyone I had semi-significant interactions with, was my fault. I was putting weight and responsibility on my shoulders that was not mine to carry. The enemy loves to manipulate and lie, twist memories, and attribute meaning when we look back on things that was never even true in the first place.

I share this experience because I don’t think anyone would ever know or assume this to be something I’d ever dealt with. I share this because I don’t think it’s often talked about. It’s a vulnerable thing to admit the battles we face in our minds. 

I’ve shared about my battle with depression, but this was different. I felt hostage to spiritual warfare that no weapon I waged seemed to stave off and eliminate. 

The truth is, I slowly, but surely, did find relief over time. There were times where I just prayed in tongues, prayed the name of Jesus, rebuked every evil spirit I could think of, and quoted scriptures repeatedly until a small sliver of relief came. Then there is today, where memories of this season remain, but I am not living under a spirit of torment any longer.

The thing is, I had to battle through this season. I was not given immediate permanent relief from it. I had to wage war one day at a time. I didn’t know when it would end and sometimes even when I thought I had overcome it, I would have tormenting thoughts creep in again and again. But eventually, in time, though definitely slower than I had preferred, the Lord revealed His transformation of my mind, heart, and spirit.

The truth is – ”The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” — 2 Peter 3:9 NIV. 

I think when we are in the thick of battle, we look at someone else who has won the war and wonder why ours keeps raging. We question our own worth and capability and wonder why God has helped someone else overcome something we still don’t have victory over. 

We wonder if we will always be in a position of defense, always barely keeping up, or endlessly running on fumes, just getting by.  

We don’t understand the lack of answers we pursue and we battle bitterness towards the Lord’s timelines.

It can be so hard to see in the midst of our broken seasons, but the Lord truly is near the brokenhearted and attentive to our prayers. 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” – Psalm 34:18. “The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry;” – Psalms 34:15.

He transforms us behind the scenes, often when we don’t even realize it’s happening until we are on the other side of the transformation, looking back at ourselves and our circumstances with fresh eyes of perspective and clarity.

I write all about this, knowing that there are other stories out there with far greater battles than any I’ve ever faced. But I write about this anyway. I write because the transformation process of the Lord is real. If we can heal me and what I’ve walked through, much of which I probably will never write about in detail, and very few know, then He can heal you too.

I write because I have often felt alone and misunderstood. I want anyone reading this to know the Lord is in the battle with you. Your victory may feel light years away still. And while only the Lord knows your timeline, I hope to remind you as a friend to put on that song that encourages you, to quote that scripture that resonates in your heart, and to cry out Jesus when it’s the only word you can muster in between sobs and guttural sounds of anguish.

May Jesus connect to your spirit in a way only He can.

Come back here tomorrow friend, I have more to say.